Between bells, at the stillness of my morning zazen, my delusions take a brief hiatus. No longer chasing thoughts, my intention centers on spending this short time counting my breath.
I sit in openness, my spirit quietly settling, my gaze down as my spine holds a posture, the same posture held by countless ancestors, seekers of the middle way. I join them on this quiet journey with no destination in sight, just an intention to awaken and be set free from suffering along with all other sentient beings.
The urge to follow my stories takes the back burner. For moments, I experience no need to seek validation, to have a portfolio of accomplishments, or to put my energy into chasing recognition or fortune. All that ever was and will be, the world that was born with me and will die with me, sits with me. There is only one requirement: to trust and surrender to Zazen and roll with the tides of the ocean of my existence, noticing all there is around me and simply being.
To sit in quiet meditation, to feel my breath as it flows in and out of my body, to be aware of my thoughts and emotions while letting the impermanence of it all realize itself in front of my eyes, that is the journey I am taking, day in and day out, in the quietness of my morning sits with my sangha.
What lies on the other side of this door I am opening? What awaits to be revealed in the stillness of my practice? I remain, not knowing. At times, the curtain seems to lift, and I am privileged to a brief moment of communion with all sentient beings. But even during these moments of bliss, I must resist the temptation to grasp. I return to my breath.
After Zazen, I indulge in a brief existential exercise. I have done many things in my life, not all of which I am proud. Yet each experience, wholesome or not, has made me who I am today. Each decision, or lack thereof, has been a turning point. I see many paths I never took. The ones I have taken have shaped my life in countless ways. Yet, the most thrilling journey is the one I face now as I travel within.
Photo by Conscious Design. https://unsplash.com/@conscious_design