The delusion that I am in charge of my life collided with the walls of my uncertain existence this morning. My craziest stunts, now legend among friends, sprang to mind. They all shared the fortune of my infamous transatlantic sailboat crossing, not far from shore.
Broken dreams pile up. I never entirely give up on them and never quite get to them. With their romantic appeal and sudden endings, alternative realities fill out the pages of my script. They are starting to fade as the mirror displays time’s relentless march.
Although following through has never been one of my strengths, I refuse to call myself a failure. As I mourn my little deaths, I come to realize that all that has ever happened to me has served the purpose of bringing me where I am right now. My understanding of the impermanence of all things and the limit of my knowledge now fuels a deep gratitude.
An awakened humility surfaces from the uncertain waters I now navigate. I grow determined to remain as much as possible in the present moment, fill my existence with meaning and purpose, and appreciate the beauty and connectedness surrounding me. I take comfort in the fact that it is never too late to learn how to live and how to die. This is my ultimate rite of passage—a door that opens to uncharted territory. But I must first trust, surrender, and let go.
I can sense fear creeping up my spine, numbing me, and taking control of everything. Suddently, I realize it is time for the morning meditation with my Zen group. Although I would instead remain ruminating and drunk on my stories, I remember that I show up not only for myself but for all sentient beings. I sit with my brothers and sisters. We sit with our ancestors in a tradition that dates back thousands of years. This simple act of courage snaps me back to here and now.
After Zazen, I awaken my body to gentle stretches and deep, long breaths. I feel grounded and whisper the following words from Thich Nhat Hanh:
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look upon all beings with eyes of compassion.”
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
